I don't really write about this often, if at all, because quite frankly I don't really feel compelled to share much on this topic.
It is so deep. So personal. So painful. And it can be so isolating. But in recent times it's become much more common to talk publicly about the grief that comes from the loss of a child. This is good news, for sure. Anytime something doesn't have to be kept in the dark, secret and hidden,...well, it's a least a good place to start. So I'm glad it's more of a topic of conversation now, and that women who have lost their babies can find real comfort and community in the thousands of women just like them, all over the world, especially through social media and websites.
I'm noting this day for two reasons:
#1 and #2: I had two children that died. I HAVE two children that are dead. They lived, they mattered, they were loved, they were wanted, and they died. They deserve mention in my life every now and then (out loud), I think, even if it is on a regular day or pattern, and even if it might make anyone else uncomfortable.
Even if it makes anyone else roll their eyes a little and think "get over it already." No one has ever, ever said that to my face...but I know I've gotten that "vibe" from people through conversation, in a nice round-about MN passive-aggressive way: "Oh, yeah, it happens. SO many women experience it. We just move on...aren't you glad for your LIVING kids??" Part of this is true. So many women DO experience it. 25% of all pregnancies will end in death. Anytime I am pregnant I have a 3/4 chance of meeting that child. Believe me, that fact never leaves my side, my mind, or my heart. But does the fact that many women experience it somehow lessen the sheer horror of it? Death??? DEATH? It's common, so therefore...what? Get over it? I have to believe this idea is often repeated thoughtlessly, or by someone who has never experienced death happen in her own body, or by someone who has not grieved often in their life. Otherwise, I can't really find a good excuse for it.
Grief is strange. I grieved in ways that I know, full well, were NOT okay with people around me. However, I knew deep down that I was doing what I needed to do to get through my grief. I know that for sure. I feel as strongly about that now as I did then. I did what I needed to do, I survived, and I made it out to the other side where I could function again. Where I looked "normal" to everyone else. But I am not the same person I was. Grief changes you, and I think that's good. Grief, like love, helped shape and mold me into part of the person I am today. Grief is not wrong. Grief is necessary. It does not go away when you can finally stop crying...it just becomes something different in your life. And it's always there. Not in a bad "cloud over your head" kind of way...but THINK about it! I had kids. They died. Why would we expect this to NOT impact me?? Why would we think any different? I don't know. Maybe because it's messy, and there isn't a guide book, and there is no clear cut, black-and-white, right answer to how to handle each and every situation.
I have many random thoughts, oh-so-many tangents I could go down...but I don't really feel the need to. I'll end this here today. My thoughts on this topic are mostly kept in my head...not because I feel silenced at all by people around me, or society. It's just the way I prefer things for now. Maybe in the future I'll want to open up more about it, rather than just once a year...and if so, so be it. But for now, this is enough.
My love to everyone who knows what I am talking about here.
My love to those of you who don't, as well.
