The past few days have been pretty hard on me, and Jonas as well.
On Sunday we decided to leave our church of 9 years.
It has been a long, slow,(sometimes) painful year that has lead us to this decision, but it was not one we took lightly. We frankly don't like to quit anything, if there is still any hope left, or any work that can be done. But we had reached a wall, and a clarity of understanding on some key things, and so I said my goodbyes (internally) through loads of tears in the midst of a lovely service on Sunday, and then we sent our letter to the Leadership Team on Monday morning.
This also means I'm quitting my part-time paid work as church secretary, which fit nicely into my life with kids at home. It provided very little money, in the grand scheme of things, but it was something that kept me feeling needed, productive, and useful to the adult world out there, beyond my doors, so I'm also very sad to see that go.
I am rather heartbroken right now, to leave my spiritual home of the past 9 years, and those people I love dearly. But I'm very confident in our decision, too, and feel like a big weight has been lifted off of my chest. We are going to take a few weeks off, to grieve and process together, and figure out what we'll be looking for eventually, but very soon we'll set out again in search of a new church home.
There is a lot that we will take into account when looking at specific churches, I'm sure, but a few things that are key to us might be the following:
1. We likely are looking for a
small church (because knowing actual people very well is far more crucial to us than "programs")
that is a little bit odd, a little bit quirky, and doesn't take themselves too seriously at all. We would like it to be relatively close to home, so the people we will be engaging with at church are the people we also see daily in our neighborhood. There will be no 45 minute drive to church for the Schaefers! ;)
We'll pass on the mega churches, thanks very much. (In fact, I doubt any church over the size of 300 would be very attractive to us).
2. We really need a church where
we are needed, so a large church that functions like a well-oiled machine is unlikely to make the cut. We don't plan on just attending, or consuming the programs they've prepared for us. We want to dig in, be a part of things, help shape and direct this church. However, we know that comes with time...it's unlikely a new church will let us into leadership on day 1, haha.
Sigh. We're in this for the long haul, for sure, so we can be patient...but we need to know that there is room for us, and that the very structure of how leadership works there will not keep our voices out, (paying special attention to how the church values women in all areas of influence, not just food preparation, cleaning, and childcare). In short, we need a place where our unique giftings can be put to good use.
That's about it. There isn't a lot of doctrine that we would support dying on a hill over, and any church we can commit to long term will align with us on what we consider to be the very
small dogma central to Christianity, so honestly when it comes down to it, doctrine and dogma aren't going to drive this search. They are important, and they will have their place of influence, but they are not everything when it comes to finding a people to serve and do life with.
There is no perfect church out there. Conflict is going to happen anywhere, and in fact, conflict is probably a sign of a healthy church if it can be
worked through regularly. We're not afraid of conflict at all. So, we'll try again soon, with great hope for where God might lead us next, and how we might be used in new and different ways soon.
Leaving. Quitting. Letting go. Walking away. My sister sent me this Jen Hatmaker post from 2013, and it's amazing how something from 4 years ago seems like it was written for my life today.
http://jenhatmaker.com/blog/2013/04/21/when-is-it-time-to-walk-away
A few resonating quotes, for me:
"There is a tipping point when the work becomes exhausting beyond measure, useless. You can’t pour antidote into a vat of poison forever and expect it to transform into something safe, something healthy. In some cases, poison is poison, and the only sane answer is to move on.
...There is a time to put redemption in the hands of God where it belongs and walk away before you destroy your spirit on the altar of Futile Diligence. Not every battle has a winner; sometimes it is all losers, carnage everywhere. When healthy options exist, and there is a safer alternative right…over…there, often the bravest thing we can do is stop fighting for something that will never, ever be well.
Walk away gracefully; we need not fire parting shots over the bow. That only creates more losers, and you're better than that. Take your dignity and self-respect and precious humanity, and be proud of the way you handled yourself one year from now. You don't need to be proven right; much more is at stake than validation. You'll never regret being gracious, but you might deeply regret burning a bridge that might one day be safe enough to venture back over."
*If you find yourself wanting to argue with her about all the times when you should stay or stick things out, check out her last sentence or two one more time.
And if you have any churches in the St. Paul area that you think we should check out, send 'em my way! :)
